When it rains, it pours. God has been pouring out like rain, but it has been quite the storm lately as well. I have definitely seen the importance of living a lifestyle of fasting and prayer not just for three weeks, but always. The fast ended and I'll be the first to admit that some things went back to the way they were and I am trying to figure out how to press in more again. I am exhausted and I know it's because I am not reliant enough on him. I have let other distractions work their way back in, and have also figured out which things were a distraction all along.
The theme of slaves and masters keeps coming up and it is amazing how many things we become slaves to. For me, my phone and the computer are huge. You would think if I didn't have it for 2 hours I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I find myself thinking about it and checking it even when I don't want to. They quickly become the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. Shouldn't those be God? That is a huge reason I got rid of text messaging recently. Not only was it doing a disservice to the quality of relationships I had with my friends and family, it was doing a huge disservice to my relationship with God. I felt God was saying, "Yes, you can keep it, but you know you'll put me on the back burner. Look at me, I'm already there. It's only worse from here." That scared me, because He was right.
I feel I need to make myself be as distraction free as possible because God has placed a whole other dimension to this trip on my heart that I need to consider. I know its God, because the idea goes against all other desires I as a human ever wanted to do. I always knew plugging into family was a part of this trip with my brother in Pittsburgh and the aunts/uncles/cousins/grandma in Wisconsin and Illinois. Recent occurrences will result in my grandma moving up to Wisconsin to live with my aunt and uncle who I'm all very close with. Like right now, she may be fine for 5, 10 more years, or things could change in 5, 10 months. Only God knows that one. I am trying to discern if God wants me to take a more substantial pause in the trip and stay in Wisconsin. A stay of the get-a-job-and-a-WI-license-plate nature. Not only do I want to help if I can, I want to hang out with my grandma whether she's totally well or not. I grew up 1500 miles away from there and she is the closest and only surviving grandparent I have. That extended family bonding is a huge part of me that always felt missing. It's the kind of bonding you don't get from 1 week a year. The voice in the back of my head is saying, "What reason do you have to not do it now? LIVE HARD."
I'll tell you the main reason why not. I finally feel home here. It took 4 ½ years of prayer and frustration and sadness (off and on of course, it wasn't all bad). A year ago, you could have given me a lame reason to move back to Phoenix or Illinois and I would have because I felt I had nothing real holding me here, definitely not the connection with God I missed. God called me to this great church and great friends and has opened my eyes to the great beauty that surrounds me. Yes, He also reminded me that he is everywhere and I can't put him in the box of Phoenix or Illinois which I had been. I guess I need to now not put Him in the box of Sahuarita or Tucson or even Phoenix if I will truly be in the position to be obedient. Dang…
Every time I think about how He has answered so many prayers by bringing me to the Rock and strengthening relationships from the Vineyard I want to cry. Yes, I would be going to family, but I would also be leaving my church family. That makes me want to cry, but not for as happy of a reason as the first. Especially to live in Wisconsin which I was vehemently against and, aside from the family, sounds dreadfully boring and oppressive. I guess I shouldn't be so negative. I still know I can come back to this great family after all this, and in the whole scheme of things, 2 months or a year is almost insignificant. Indecisively, I want to just go for the week and figure it out then, but I know it takes a little more preparation on everyone's part if something like this is to happen. Right now my best plan is to plan to be in the position to stay if I felt called to, and be happy with either outcome, because in the end either will be great. I ask for prayers, peace, and clarity about this decision.
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